Friday, December 24, 2010

Andrei the giant and Pepper Gomez are back - Montreal 3, Carolina 2

Andrei the Giant pictures just never get old

On second thought a little less Partridge, a little more Griswold

Matthew's suitcase
Who needs pants when you have a flashlight, a Christmas card, two cap guns and an apricot? It's like the unabomber's dream valise.

I'm thinking we're a little less puffy shirt/picking up rock and roll radio stations on someone's braces/spontaneously breaking out into song/canned laughter and a lot more cousin Eddie/I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE 4, BOY! I SAID HOLD IT IN! THE NEXT GAS STATION IS ONLY 85 MILES AWAY!

The Ziegwolds are goin' to Florida

Thursday, December 23, 2010

We're taking a road trip!

Here we are getting ready to hit the road. Lots of work to be done! Hey Matt! Get to work on painting that carburetor!
Hey one of you underage kids, take over the wheel while I climb onto the hood and snap some pictures of us having fun!
Those kids are such jokesters. We stop for UFO's AND pregnant hitchhikers in labour!
My god these costumes are itchy! But we're ha-ha-ha-ppy! This is gonna be the best vacation ever!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Kinetic energy = 1/2 mass x velocity2

Tomorrow the boys have their science exams. 

The Kinetic energy of an object is the energy which it possesses due to its motion. It is defined as the work needed to accelerate a body of given mass from rest to its stated velocity. Having gained this energy during its acceleration, the body maintains this kinetic energy unless its speed changes. The same amount of work is done by the body in decelerating from its current speed to a state of rest. In other words SHOOT THE FRIGGIN' PUCK!!!!!
video

I suppose it's better than studying inertia. 

Friday, December 17, 2010

One down, five to go

Hellooooo gastro!

Exams start on Monday and we're driving to Florida on Sunday. My first thought this morning was do I have everyone hug today so that it's over by Monday? Or do I keep everyone in separate rooms for the entire week in the hopes that it won't spread at all? And if I'm lucky and it doesn't spread during exams will it catch up to us in the car where we will be sitting as closely as any six people could possibly sit... for two straight days???

Of course if we do make it through exams the bigger question remains, is it illegal to have an open bottle of alcohol in a moving vehicle if that alcohol is in the roof rack.... and I'm holding the bottle?

It's very tough for a mother to see her children sick. It's even tougher to comfort and love them without actually touching them. Nothing says challenge like showing affection and support for one's child as he vomits... from another room. What can I say, I really don't want the stomach flu. If I go down I leave exam week in the hands of Cleve who's response to Zack missing an in class test today was give him a gravol and send him to school. Just brilliant on so many levels. Ok sure I did say the words if you're going to throw up can you please not get any on the sofa but have you ever tried to get throw up out of corduroy? At least I didn't consider sending anyone off to fall asleep or dry heave in the middle of an English test.

Today I have to balance a four year old with 102 fever, a dislike of Tylenol and the need to ask me how to spell every word known to man in the english language AND a 16 year old in the throws of the stomach flu, the remnants of a migraine and a depression over the loss of his cell phone. The hardest part for me, however, will be listening to TSN's top ten highlights over and over and over again and watching Toopee and Binoo, the cartoon that I imagine is most similar to taking LSD. In today's episode Toopee dreams that he is riding a meatball.

CLINIC UPDATE: Gastro has decided to hit every three days which puts the next one at Thursday and the fourth one on Sunday. That is the day we are driving to Florida. After that you will be redirected to WomanOutOnBail.com.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

How about something completely different

Mmmmmmm, spicy smelt
Do you think that the smelts are pissed that they got the worst name in the entire fish kingdom?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

How's that studying going boys?


video

AWESOME!... Ohhhh, you wanted us to study for exams?

I have a new idea for a drinking game. A shot every time I hear the words just five more minutes and then I'm going I swear. I should have alcohol poisoning by dinner.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

45 going on 12

Last night I attended my first city council meeting. It was held at the English Montreal School Board to discuss the potential opening of a new public high school. The council of about 50 elected officials sat behind glass and unbeknownst to us had to deal with the problem of french immersion vs. bilingual school programs before they could get to the topic of the new high school (we live in a fascist state). I consider myself to be a relatively bright person. I did not understand a single word that was said.

The first speaker used the word jurisprudence twice in his opening statement and then there was a vote to remove the fifth where as from the minutes, replacing it with the word some.

Needless to say I was with a group of bright, strong, astute women who wanted nothing more than to find out about the future of our community. We did what any good citizens would do in that situation..... we laughed for two hours straight until we voted to remove ourselves from the building replacing open mindedness with sticking with private school in the fall. Well done politicians.

I was greeted at the basement door at 10:15pm by Matthew in his clothes from the day, chocolate on his face and a big grin. The house was in shambles and - here's a new one - I found the top of a pineapple on the coffee table. When I asked why it was there I was told daddy let Matthew cut it up but don't worry I took the knife away from him. To be honest I was actually relieved that I didn't come home to a remote control helicopter stuck in the ceiling.... or someone's neck.

As long as he had fun... and no one lost an eye
video
Christmas spirit or message from god? Either way I think Rudolph wants my kids in private school

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

What does it say about me if I enjoy mammograms and colonoscopies because frankly they're alone time

Those nipple stickers are better than Krazy Glue!
So I had to wear a gown that only closes on one side, at no point did anyone in the waiting room ask me when I can take them for new shoes or sharpen their skates.

Sure the machine is kept in the freezer between patients but I didn't have to threaten to wash the technicians mouth with soap for calling her batteryless remote control helicopter a fucking piece of shit bastard.

Yes, the elevator at the Royal Victoria Hospital smells like moth balls but, hey, no one in that elevator confessed to having detention or getting 63% in a Yiddish exam because who cares about Yiddish.

And ok, they could replace the guy with the hard hat in the Krazy Glue commercial with that nipple sticker they need for identification but it's only a layer of skin. No one asked me to make them a grilled cheese sandwich because they couldn't find the cheese.... or the fridge.... or the kitchen.

Post snow storm traffic was more painful than the mammogram itself. I even considered getting out of my car, taking off my top and recruiting a taxi driver to run over my chest instead of making my way up to the hospital. I figured it would've felt the same although the results probably would've varied depending on the ethnicity of the taxi driver. Glad I stuck it out and had some me time at the amazing Breast Clinic. All's well and now I can look forward to my colonoscopy next month!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hmmm, let's see... what should we get the four year old for Chanukah?

How about a remote control helicopter? That's a great idea... NOT. But try telling that to the father of the four year old who handed the gift over at 9:30 at night. Since then I have been asked the following questions (in no particular order):

Where are the batteries?
Can I put the batteries in?
Can YOU put the batteries in?
Can I fly the helicopter in the house?
Can I fly the helicopter in winter?
Is it summer yet?
How bout now?
What about now?
Does it snow in summer?
WHERE ARE THE FUCKING BATTERIES?????
Why can't I fly the helicopter in the shower?
Why can't I take my helicopter to school?
Can I fly my helicopter TO school?
Do I have to go to school or can I stay home to fly my helicopter?
Why can't I sleep with my helicopter?
When can I fly my helicopter?

A helicopter. A flying, metal blade, remote control helicopter. Only four months until the snow melts so we can take it outside and risk decapitating a helpless bird or squirrel.

CO-PARENT UPDATE: Cleve just got home, handed Matthew a pre-dinner chocolate donut and asked me why can't he fly his helicopter in the house?
Helicopters can be so cuddly

Monday, December 6, 2010

But there's nothing to eat in the house!

Two words: buzz off
Dear kids,
I hope all is well at home. I am writing from the frozen aisle at IGA Cavendish (aka Gaza) as I wait to make a break for the check out line. The place is filled with people trying to get home for shabbat. I fear that I will never be the same after today. Bodies are everywhere and the site of two ladies fighting over a chalah in the kosher aisle has left me drained. That damn clock change has caused havoc in the neighborhood. Don't the farmers realize how hard it is to prepare dinner for 20 at 2 o'clock in the afternoon??!!

If I don't make it out please remember that I did this all for you. I have to go now as I see your math teacher trying to pass 47 items at the 10 items or less cash and I can't take any more pain today.

Wish your father was here instead of me,
Mom

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Chanukah is the most beautiful time of the year

Matt's Magic Schoolbus Chanukah present
Benji: Matthew, you can't take your schoolbus to school. It'll break.
Matt: It's not a schoolbus! It's a fucking channukiah!

I'm so proud.

Note to self: cancel all play dates for Matt through 2012

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

PreKindergarten Chanukah play the fourth time around

In 1998 at his nursery school graduation Zack slithered across the floor of his classroom to accept his diploma. Cleve nearly had a coronary. When your eldest slithers like a snake in front of a room full of strangers it means that he may not get into Harvard.

In 2000 Mikey never even made it to graduation. He dropped out of nursery in October. He made slithering look 'normal'.

In 2003 Benji belted out Look at me I'm a Chanukah Latka like it was nobody's business, Cleve beamed with pride, panicked at the idea of being able to afford Harvard but he still wasn't over the drop out or the slither.

This morning Matthew had his PreK Chanukah play. He had a bowl of chocolate syrup for breakfast, wore two different shoes and glued his shirt to his forehead. It was perfect.

Of course no hour is complete without some reminder that gluing one's shirt to their forehead really is child's play. As I was filming the latka dance, a message from the high school office appeared on my screen:


Skipping school? Zack? Maybe they had the wrong kid? Maybe he was helping clean up some litter in the hall way? Maybe they just didn't see him because he had slithered into class after recess? Couldn't let me just enjoy the damn latka dance, could he.

As it turns out Zack wasn't skipping school at all (yay! Zack). The complete message read:
The wake up alarm on his phone is going off in our safe!

The morning was beautiful, Matthew ate 14 cookies and 12 chocolate dredyls for lunch and I managed to send Cleve off to give a McGill lecture with a small momento of the occasion. 

He had no clue until some doctors asked why he had paint on his head. 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Skating Rink, Part II

Today all four boys helped put the liner down for the rink. Now all we need is water and some really cold weather. 














nicerink.com

And my favourite part of the day...
video video

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Four kids and the flu

Influenza, commonly referred to as the flu, is an infectious disease that affects birds and mammals. The most common symptoms of the disease are chills, fever, sore throat, muscle pains, severe headache, coughing, weakness/fatigue and general discomfort. Typically, influenza is transmitted through the air by coughs or sneezes.

Influenza in my house, commonly referred to as the I-can't believe-you-let-HIM-stay-home-but-you-never-let-me-stay-home flu, is a fake disease that affects siblings of children with the actual flu who don't want to go to school so that they can stay home and play X-box.

Here is the note I sent to school this morning to excuse Mikey from class:
Mikey is not in school this morning. He has come down with a terrible case of you-let-HIM-stay-home yesterday-and-he-was-totally-faking-you-love-him-more-I-have-gym-first-I swear-you can-check-if-you-make-me-go-I'll-resent-you-forever flu. Very serious. Hopefully he'll be there after TSN's top ten plays of the night... I mean after he sleeps it off for a bit. I'm sure he has a sub or six anyway today.

Thankfully I have one painfully honest child who actually admitted to wanting to fake sick every day this week but couldn't bring himself to lie at the last minute. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

WWJS?

Cleve: Hi, I've never called you to ask your medical opinion before but I have a lovely young pregnant girl in front of me who says she hasn't slept a full night in two years and I was thinking... Insomnia is my middle name... I can totally relate to her... Poor girl... that you could go over to house and talk to HER instead of me so that she can fall asleep.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Strict bedtime makes for a healthy home

Doesn't he look cozy... lying on the hallway area rug?
And because transferring him too soon would've woken him up for the night we left him there for a couple of hours.

me: Has anyone seen Matthew?
B: He's asleep in the hall
me: Oh, ok, nobody step on him please and let me know when the second period is starting

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Cegeps are tough to get into and now this...

In the car on the way to school this morning...

Z: I didn't do well at all. I don't know what happened. I studied. I concentrated.... I don't know.
Did I just hear correctly? Remorse for a bad test? Admitting that studying actually helps? Huh?

M: How did everyone else do?
Kids helping each other? Brothers venting? Wha...?

Z: Brody did the best but I'm not sure about everyone else.
Damn that Brody! Oh, did I say that out loud? No? Well good then. Damn that Brody.

M: What are you going to do?
Yes! What are you going to do???? Talk it out!!! Well??? Answer your brother!!!!

Z: I don't know. I'm a little freaked. I don't want to talk about it.
Poor kid... maybe this will be the day he starts to really apply himself... 

Me: Something I need to know?

Z: I know you're not going to believe this but I'm two games out of my fantasy football playoff pool.

Great, now I need to find a fantasy football tutor.

Monday, November 15, 2010

We're not a doctor but we play one on TV

Who needs an MD when Antichambre is on 6 nights a week?
RDS is reporting that Andrei Markov, who is yet to have an MRI, will be out for three months with a re-injured knee. When I saw him go down on Saturday night I was sure it was his elbow and that he wouldn't be out longer than 2 weeks. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a blogger, not a real journalist.

If RDS is going to play doctor they should stick to what they do best. Proctology.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I'm starting to think that the pregnancy brain cells I lost never came back

The latest marks from Bialik High School: 1.5, 4.5, 5.5, 5, 1.5, 5, 4.5, 5. I want to be proud. Really, I do. I also want to take an Advil and get in touch with a math translator. Is this for real or have the kids taken over the ministry of education?

Me: Uh.... that sounds good.... is it good?
Zack: Ya, it's good! MERKED!! And on competency 3 I got a 5!
Me: What is competency 3?
Zack: It's the language of the course
Me: What does that mean?
Zack: It means I can talk science
Me: Great, because you can't talk English... what is a competency 2?
Zack: Like doing the questions right
Me: So where's competency 1? 
Zack: There is no competency 1
Me: So it's like Spinal Tap? Unlike standard counting which typically starts at one, Quebec starts at two so as to seem.... uh... smarter? These go to three?
Zack: Uh... I don't know? Good news is that we had gym today for the third time this year, though. We played Vodjkee.
Me: You played what? 
Zack: Vodjkee. It's a Bialik made up game that if we tried to figure out the rules it would take five years according to our gym teacher
Me: Are you just  messing with my head?
Zack: Siiiiiiiickkkkkkkkk

On the other side of the maturity scale Matthew wanted to sleep with his pet pineapple last night. I'm not sure which is funnier.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Is there a better place to hide a chocolate bar?

But my brothers hide chocolate bars in their pants all the time!
Yes Matthew, but not directly against their skin.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Glad to see the PP is working better - Habs 2, Canucks 0

Seems the meds are working as Roman Hamrlik scored on the ailing PP last night

Monday, November 8, 2010

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Attention Deficit Update

Me: Mikey, remember when I bought the new laundry bin I explained how you need to actually open the bin to put the clothes inside?
Mikey: I didn't know there was a lid
Mikey has a math test tomorrow. I'm a little concerned. 

Question:
If a train leaves the station in Montreal going 200 mph and another train leaves the station in Toronto going 175 mph, how loud does your mother have to yell to get you to pick up your laundry?

Answer:
It doesn't matter because I'll just crank up the volume on the football game to drown her out.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dinner out with the family

Reservation, check
Appetite, check
Wallet, check
Advil, check...
Cage for 4 year old.... shit!

CAGE UPDATE: 
4:53 pm: I found a legal solution
5:07 pm: Matthew escaped the box and is currently tracing a pineapple with a sharpee.

Fisher Price is for babies

The toy screwdriver just doesn't take out someone's eye as well as the real thing
On the positive this may deter any friends from being allowed to play at our house.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Why does my family think that the question "how's dinner?" is actually a question?

All I want to hear is thank you.

Tonight the cous cous grains were too small and the salt grains were too big. Good thing no one choked on the tip of the ceramic knife that I broke off in the frozen chicken as I was trying to pry it apart because cous cous grains too big, salt grains too small AND daddy performing that tracheotomy with the Dora the Explorer straw on himself might've put me over the edge.

God forbid, ptuh, ptuh, ptuh.

Monday, November 1, 2010

It's November 1st people

Pre-K update

Me: Bye Matthew
Matthew: Wait!! Wait!!! I love you! Wave your hand!!
Me: I love you too, I'm not waving my hand but I'll do the chicken dance
Matthew: I love the shape of your oval face do you love the shape of my circle face?
Me: Can you tutor Michael in math?
Matthew: But do you love your oval face?
Me: I find my eyes are a little too close together if you want to know the truth...
Matthew: NO MU-MMY! STOP!! DO YOU LOVE IT?
Me: Yes, yes I love your circle face now go...
clinging to my ankles
Matt: I'll miss you! I'LL MISS YOU!
Me: You're not going off to war, I'll see you in 4 hours
Matt: BYYYYYYYYE!!!!!!!!!

Paxil anyone?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I think the Quebec Ministry of Education is on drugs

I just heard a commercial on the radio from the government's new ad campaign called Knowledge Matters.

boy: (whining) Daaaaad, I don't want to do my math homework
Dad: But son, you have to do your homework
boy: (still whining) But daaaaaaad, can you help?
Dad: Now son, don't you think math is important?
boy: I guess
Dad: Do you still want to be a pilot?
boy: Yes
Dad: And don't you think you need math to be a pilot?
boy: (with a whiny giggle) Ok, I'll do my homework...

Are they serious? Is that what they think is going on in homes across Quebec? I mean that scenario is plausible if after that conversation the dad leaves the room and the kid lights up a joint. In my house just getting a kid to admit that they have homework is worth a bottle of wine.

me: do you have any homework?
kid: I did everything at school
me: How is that possible? Don't you have anything to review?
kid: I reviewed everything for tomorrow yesterday during the sub and we have a sub tomorrow so I'll do the sheet that we were given last month even though it's stuff I did in grade 5 and it's not due until Nov. 12 which is a Saturday but the teacher doesn't realize it because they're pregnant/sick/dumb/old/new/off for the week/off for the month/insert own stupid excuse.
me: huh?
kid: Trust me, I'm fine
me: But it says here on First Class that you have 6 tests tomorrow
kid: oh ya, that...

Wouldn't it be amazing if I could get the kids to do their homework with simple reasoning....

me: Do you have any homework?
kid: Nope. Did it all at school.
me: But isn't there anything to review?
kid: Well, I do have some math
me: Don't you still want to be a Fantasy Football...er when you grow up? Don't you think you need to know how to read and write and do math for Fantasy Football?
kid: I guess
me: Off you go, love, and don't forget to make your daily wagers finding 'x'. That'll only help you in the long run.

Siiiiiiiiiick!

Intonation is everything

Wikipedia says sick may refer to:
  • Having a disease
  • Experiencing illness
  • Vomit
When did the word 'sick' become an exclamation? 

We got tickets to the hockey game
SICK!

How was your trip?
SIIIIIIIIICK!

You are not leaving the kitchen until the dishes are cleared
sick

I said be down for breakfast by 7:45 or I'm taking away your phone 
siiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk

How is your back?
sick... I'm going to play football now (huh? if you're sick should you be playin.... oh, I see what you did there)

Zack, you just won fantasy football what are you going to do now?
I'm going to SICKKKKKKKKK WORLD!

My hair is on fire and there's a bat in my eye!!!
Ssssssickkkkkkkk!

Maybe they should be more specific...

How was your test?
kidney failure

I said look me in the eye when I'm talking to you
cataracccccccct

Habs are in first
CHILDHOOD OBESITY!!!

Oy.

Best question EVER!

Where's the milk?

Second best question would've been "what the hell is wrong with you?? Look at all of the milk in there! How compulsive can one person be? Dear god get help!" (although that's no so much a question as a comment about me as a person).

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Apparently even plastic wrap needs an instruction manual

Sealed for freshness?
A blanket keeps you warm, right? So a Saran 'blanket' must keep the food fresh. Makes perfect sense. Maybe they should make sheets of lead to cover the food. That would seal out the air and avoid all of that annoying tucking and adhering. Ok, sure it could cause death but you can't worry about everything. If only the resealable plastic containers weren't all the way over there across the *sigh* kitchen.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Parent teacher interviews should be optional for the parents not just the teachers

I don't want to brag, and I'm not saying this because their my kids but every teacher said that they WISH they could have 26 of my son in their cla.... oh, sorry, I was channeling every annoying mother I ever wanted to smack who has had the chutzpah to say that line out loud.

Parent teacher interviews are never what I think they're going to be. I always expect the "talks too much" and "he could work harder" but it's the "he hasn't had the text book since September" and "he got 50% on his last four tests didn't he tell you?" that really blow me away. I accept complete responsibility for actually having the four kids in this day and age of technology but guess what? If my kid is looking up his Ninja name on his computer while he should be taking notes in class then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I mean you could stand next to him and encourage him to listen or you could take away his computer all together or, here's a crazy idea, be interesting and capture his attention! The pattern I have found is great teacher = great interview, sour/miserable/hates their job teacher = bad interview. Those amazing teachers are life savers... as in they have saved me from killing my kids. The "he's very polite and respectful" gives me hope for the future.

The best part of the interview for me though, is embarrassing my kids. Last year I won a silver medal. After a ten minute interview with a math teacher I asked why he was talking about math when he was the science teacher. The teacher thought I was joking. Instead of going with it I persisted, "no really, isn't this science?" I can still see the color red of my kid's face.

Today, however, I won gold...
Me: Do you allow the kids to use computers in your class?
English teacher: Only when I do full frontal teaching
long pause
Me: Full frontal teaching?... there's a great joke in there....
longer pause
Teacher: Uh, it's a technical term, I'm an English teacher...
Me: Well, it sounds like you're teaching naked
Zack: Mommy stop talking
Teacher: Uh... stop visualizing!

after...
Zack: Wow, we are so even now for when the teacher overheard me say I wanted a blow job!

Happily only half of my kids' teachers showed up today so I only had half of the aggravation. I can't wait for report cards.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jehovah's Witness

The mezuzah is your first clue that you need to rethink your marketing strategy
No disrespect but seriously, I'm sure even God would allow you to do a little market research before heading out to preach. Going door to door in Cote Saint Luc is just not going to win you witness of the month. We're talking about a population that is 95% Jewish with at least half needing access to their walkers to get to the door. So because I'm in the business of marketing I'm going to help you out. Mr. Jehovah? I can call you Jehovah can't I? You need to look at who your target audience is. Take a page out of the Second Cup/Starbucks strategy playbook and park yourself outside of churches and synagogues. There's a good chance that someone walking out will be in need of a change. And aim young! Get them while they are angry enough at their parents to do something stupid and spiteful in the name of rebellion. What's the good in converting Bubby? It's a waste of your time. You might also want to read L. Ron Hubbard's book "99 Things You Should Know Before Trying to Sell a Religion". I think number one is "don't go door to door". This is 2010. Get tweeting! Instead of a door slammed in your face, you'll get the word out to hundreds of people who will hang on your every word. Hack that bible down into snippets of 140 characters or less and you're in business. Trust me.

And so, Mr. and Mrs. Jehovah's Witness, please don't ring my bell anymore. Don't take it personally, you seem like very nice people, but even if the ghost of Menachem Schneerson was at my door I'd be annoyed to have to listen to bible readings at 11 o'clock in the morning. I'd tell him to Facebook me.

Sincerely,
The woman who cut you off after the word Isaiah

PS If you do decide to stick it out in Cote Saint Luc and take my advice to hit up a high school like, say, Bialik, I wouldn't use the "bible" word with the kids until their eyes have glazed over. It's an attention killer.... ok, everything is an attention killer with teenagers but you know what I mean.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The kids think I should give their music a chance

I can't believe I waited this long. I think I found the perfect song list for Benji's upcoming bar mitzvah video... if I was going to actually make a bar mitzvah video that is.

Puke
Fuck Off
Fuck You
Lethal Injection
Party and Bullshit
Who Shot Ya
Gimme the Loot
10 Crack Commandments
Ain't That a Bitch
Gonorrhea (feathuring Drake who my kids are proud to brag is Jewish... Oy, Bubby must be proud)
Hoes
Still Don't Give a Fuck

Karen Carpenter must be rolling over.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Habs 3, Senators 0

Andrei the giant strikes again while Pouliot finally gets his revenge

Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today....

Teach a man to read the labels around the house and at least you won't have to listen to him struggle like a beetle on its back.

In an attempt to destress my life I have to decided to accessorize. I love my label maker.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Translator please

Just got a text from my son (if anyone in the Bialik office is reading this please go take away his phone... and while you're online go check out FHF today. The picture is killing me):

"Not gonna go thru everything I've done but let's say I officially merk math"

It's either good news or he's been arrested.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Please return if found

Test coming up and it could be dangerous

Eminem is an angry, angry man

Cleve: Eminem is an angry misogynist... do you know what that means?
Zack: no
Cleve: it means that he hates women
Zack: he doesn't hate women, he just hates his wife
Cleve: then maybe I should write a song...

yo yo yo, I hate my wife
She just nag nag nag
I wish she be go away
And leave me a-lone

She go downtown
She go uptown
She nag nag nag
She just yap all day long...

This went on for 10 minutes.

Doctor don't heal thyself

Tonight the gynecologist put antibiotic ear drops in his eyes because he thought they were eye drops... ok I gave them to him thinking they were eye drops but as a doctor shouldn't he read all medications before taking anything?

Good thing this doesn't happen at work. Nothing stings more than a speculum dipped in BBQ sauce.... Oops! I thought that was the K-Y! My bad!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I think Souray would be an asset in Montreal



Letters to Camp

I decided to clean up the kids drawers and found a few letters that I wrote to the boys at camp. In retrospect they are borderline disturbing but at least they're not boring.

July 1, 2009

Dear Zack,
Been thinking about becoming less "Jewish" as per your advice so today I drank a case of beer, took up smoking, sold the house, bought an RV and tattooed Matthew's butt with "Mop" (it was supposed to say "mom" but the guy ran out of m's and then Matthew yelled "I have to pee" so the guy thought he wanted the "p"). Now you don't have to take the bus cuz I can drive you around in the house. You'll love your room. It's in the microwave.

Don't get stabbed with crack cocaine.
Love,
Mom

August 10, 2009
Matthew is addicted to Magic Schoolbus. Did you know that there were some lost episodes? Well there were! I think they took them out of circulation for obvious reasons (no, Zack, not really, this is a joke)...

Episode 3: Gets Knifed in the Inner City
Episode 15: Gets High as a Kite on LSD
Episode 22: Joins a Cult
Episode 31: Lights Up Cuban Cigars
Episode 35: Makes a Stink from Eating Too Many Tacos
Episode 40: Goes Non-Kosher at Arnold's Grandmother's Seder
Episode 43: Takes a Bullet from Ms. Frizzles Mafia Boyfriend
Episode 48: Meets the Ghost of Elvis
Episode 56: Spaces Out and Gets Hit by a Car
Episode 64: Takes Steroids
Episode 67: Gets Stabbed with Crack Cocaine
Episode 71: Trains to be a Suicide Bomber
Episode 75: Develops a fear of Children and Runs the Class Over
Episode 81: Gets a Sexually Transmitted Disease

Love,
Mom




Sunday, October 17, 2010