Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jehovah's Witness

The mezuzah is your first clue that you need to rethink your marketing strategy
No disrespect but seriously, I'm sure even God would allow you to do a little market research before heading out to preach. Going door to door in Cote Saint Luc is just not going to win you witness of the month. We're talking about a population that is 95% Jewish with at least half needing access to their walkers to get to the door. So because I'm in the business of marketing I'm going to help you out. Mr. Jehovah? I can call you Jehovah can't I? You need to look at who your target audience is. Take a page out of the Second Cup/Starbucks strategy playbook and park yourself outside of churches and synagogues. There's a good chance that someone walking out will be in need of a change. And aim young! Get them while they are angry enough at their parents to do something stupid and spiteful in the name of rebellion. What's the good in converting Bubby? It's a waste of your time. You might also want to read L. Ron Hubbard's book "99 Things You Should Know Before Trying to Sell a Religion". I think number one is "don't go door to door". This is 2010. Get tweeting! Instead of a door slammed in your face, you'll get the word out to hundreds of people who will hang on your every word. Hack that bible down into snippets of 140 characters or less and you're in business. Trust me.

And so, Mr. and Mrs. Jehovah's Witness, please don't ring my bell anymore. Don't take it personally, you seem like very nice people, but even if the ghost of Menachem Schneerson was at my door I'd be annoyed to have to listen to bible readings at 11 o'clock in the morning. I'd tell him to Facebook me.

The woman who cut you off after the word Isaiah

PS If you do decide to stick it out in Cote Saint Luc and take my advice to hit up a high school like, say, Bialik, I wouldn't use the "bible" word with the kids until their eyes have glazed over. It's an attention killer.... ok, everything is an attention killer with teenagers but you know what I mean.

No comments: