Sunday, October 31, 2010

I think the Quebec Ministry of Education is on drugs

I just heard a commercial on the radio from the government's new ad campaign called Knowledge Matters.

boy: (whining) Daaaaad, I don't want to do my math homework
Dad: But son, you have to do your homework
boy: (still whining) But daaaaaaad, can you help?
Dad: Now son, don't you think math is important?
boy: I guess
Dad: Do you still want to be a pilot?
boy: Yes
Dad: And don't you think you need math to be a pilot?
boy: (with a whiny giggle) Ok, I'll do my homework...

Are they serious? Is that what they think is going on in homes across Quebec? I mean that scenario is plausible if after that conversation the dad leaves the room and the kid lights up a joint. In my house just getting a kid to admit that they have homework is worth a bottle of wine.

me: do you have any homework?
kid: I did everything at school
me: How is that possible? Don't you have anything to review?
kid: I reviewed everything for tomorrow yesterday during the sub and we have a sub tomorrow so I'll do the sheet that we were given last month even though it's stuff I did in grade 5 and it's not due until Nov. 12 which is a Saturday but the teacher doesn't realize it because they're pregnant/sick/dumb/old/new/off for the week/off for the month/insert own stupid excuse.
me: huh?
kid: Trust me, I'm fine
me: But it says here on First Class that you have 6 tests tomorrow
kid: oh ya, that...

Wouldn't it be amazing if I could get the kids to do their homework with simple reasoning....

me: Do you have any homework?
kid: Nope. Did it all at school.
me: But isn't there anything to review?
kid: Well, I do have some math
me: Don't you still want to be a Fantasy when you grow up? Don't you think you need to know how to read and write and do math for Fantasy Football?
kid: I guess
me: Off you go, love, and don't forget to make your daily wagers finding 'x'. That'll only help you in the long run.


Intonation is everything

Wikipedia says sick may refer to:
  • Having a disease
  • Experiencing illness
  • Vomit
When did the word 'sick' become an exclamation? 

We got tickets to the hockey game

How was your trip?

You are not leaving the kitchen until the dishes are cleared

I said be down for breakfast by 7:45 or I'm taking away your phone 

How is your back?
sick... I'm going to play football now (huh? if you're sick should you be playin.... oh, I see what you did there)

Zack, you just won fantasy football what are you going to do now?

My hair is on fire and there's a bat in my eye!!!

Maybe they should be more specific...

How was your test?
kidney failure

I said look me in the eye when I'm talking to you

Habs are in first


Best question EVER!

Where's the milk?

Second best question would've been "what the hell is wrong with you?? Look at all of the milk in there! How compulsive can one person be? Dear god get help!" (although that's no so much a question as a comment about me as a person).

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Apparently even plastic wrap needs an instruction manual

Sealed for freshness?
A blanket keeps you warm, right? So a Saran 'blanket' must keep the food fresh. Makes perfect sense. Maybe they should make sheets of lead to cover the food. That would seal out the air and avoid all of that annoying tucking and adhering. Ok, sure it could cause death but you can't worry about everything. If only the resealable plastic containers weren't all the way over there across the *sigh* kitchen.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Parent teacher interviews should be optional for the parents not just the teachers

I don't want to brag, and I'm not saying this because their my kids but every teacher said that they WISH they could have 26 of my son in their cla.... oh, sorry, I was channeling every annoying mother I ever wanted to smack who has had the chutzpah to say that line out loud.

Parent teacher interviews are never what I think they're going to be. I always expect the "talks too much" and "he could work harder" but it's the "he hasn't had the text book since September" and "he got 50% on his last four tests didn't he tell you?" that really blow me away. I accept complete responsibility for actually having the four kids in this day and age of technology but guess what? If my kid is looking up his Ninja name on his computer while he should be taking notes in class then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I mean you could stand next to him and encourage him to listen or you could take away his computer all together or, here's a crazy idea, be interesting and capture his attention! The pattern I have found is great teacher = great interview, sour/miserable/hates their job teacher = bad interview. Those amazing teachers are life savers... as in they have saved me from killing my kids. The "he's very polite and respectful" gives me hope for the future.

The best part of the interview for me though, is embarrassing my kids. Last year I won a silver medal. After a ten minute interview with a math teacher I asked why he was talking about math when he was the science teacher. The teacher thought I was joking. Instead of going with it I persisted, "no really, isn't this science?" I can still see the color red of my kid's face.

Today, however, I won gold...
Me: Do you allow the kids to use computers in your class?
English teacher: Only when I do full frontal teaching
long pause
Me: Full frontal teaching?... there's a great joke in there....
longer pause
Teacher: Uh, it's a technical term, I'm an English teacher...
Me: Well, it sounds like you're teaching naked
Zack: Mommy stop talking
Teacher: Uh... stop visualizing!

Zack: Wow, we are so even now for when the teacher overheard me say I wanted a blow job!

Happily only half of my kids' teachers showed up today so I only had half of the aggravation. I can't wait for report cards.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jehovah's Witness

The mezuzah is your first clue that you need to rethink your marketing strategy
No disrespect but seriously, I'm sure even God would allow you to do a little market research before heading out to preach. Going door to door in Cote Saint Luc is just not going to win you witness of the month. We're talking about a population that is 95% Jewish with at least half needing access to their walkers to get to the door. So because I'm in the business of marketing I'm going to help you out. Mr. Jehovah? I can call you Jehovah can't I? You need to look at who your target audience is. Take a page out of the Second Cup/Starbucks strategy playbook and park yourself outside of churches and synagogues. There's a good chance that someone walking out will be in need of a change. And aim young! Get them while they are angry enough at their parents to do something stupid and spiteful in the name of rebellion. What's the good in converting Bubby? It's a waste of your time. You might also want to read L. Ron Hubbard's book "99 Things You Should Know Before Trying to Sell a Religion". I think number one is "don't go door to door". This is 2010. Get tweeting! Instead of a door slammed in your face, you'll get the word out to hundreds of people who will hang on your every word. Hack that bible down into snippets of 140 characters or less and you're in business. Trust me.

And so, Mr. and Mrs. Jehovah's Witness, please don't ring my bell anymore. Don't take it personally, you seem like very nice people, but even if the ghost of Menachem Schneerson was at my door I'd be annoyed to have to listen to bible readings at 11 o'clock in the morning. I'd tell him to Facebook me.

The woman who cut you off after the word Isaiah

PS If you do decide to stick it out in Cote Saint Luc and take my advice to hit up a high school like, say, Bialik, I wouldn't use the "bible" word with the kids until their eyes have glazed over. It's an attention killer.... ok, everything is an attention killer with teenagers but you know what I mean.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The kids think I should give their music a chance

I can't believe I waited this long. I think I found the perfect song list for Benji's upcoming bar mitzvah video... if I was going to actually make a bar mitzvah video that is.

Fuck Off
Fuck You
Lethal Injection
Party and Bullshit
Who Shot Ya
Gimme the Loot
10 Crack Commandments
Ain't That a Bitch
Gonorrhea (feathuring Drake who my kids are proud to brag is Jewish... Oy, Bubby must be proud)
Still Don't Give a Fuck

Karen Carpenter must be rolling over.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Habs 3, Senators 0

Andrei the giant strikes again while Pouliot finally gets his revenge

Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today....

Teach a man to read the labels around the house and at least you won't have to listen to him struggle like a beetle on its back.

In an attempt to destress my life I have to decided to accessorize. I love my label maker.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Translator please

Just got a text from my son (if anyone in the Bialik office is reading this please go take away his phone... and while you're online go check out FHF today. The picture is killing me):

"Not gonna go thru everything I've done but let's say I officially merk math"

It's either good news or he's been arrested.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Please return if found

Test coming up and it could be dangerous

Eminem is an angry, angry man

Cleve: Eminem is an angry misogynist... do you know what that means?
Zack: no
Cleve: it means that he hates women
Zack: he doesn't hate women, he just hates his wife
Cleve: then maybe I should write a song...

yo yo yo, I hate my wife
She just nag nag nag
I wish she be go away
And leave me a-lone

She go downtown
She go uptown
She nag nag nag
She just yap all day long...

This went on for 10 minutes.

Doctor don't heal thyself

Tonight the gynecologist put antibiotic ear drops in his eyes because he thought they were eye drops... ok I gave them to him thinking they were eye drops but as a doctor shouldn't he read all medications before taking anything?

Good thing this doesn't happen at work. Nothing stings more than a speculum dipped in BBQ sauce.... Oops! I thought that was the K-Y! My bad!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I think Souray would be an asset in Montreal

Letters to Camp

I decided to clean up the kids drawers and found a few letters that I wrote to the boys at camp. In retrospect they are borderline disturbing but at least they're not boring.

July 1, 2009

Dear Zack,
Been thinking about becoming less "Jewish" as per your advice so today I drank a case of beer, took up smoking, sold the house, bought an RV and tattooed Matthew's butt with "Mop" (it was supposed to say "mom" but the guy ran out of m's and then Matthew yelled "I have to pee" so the guy thought he wanted the "p"). Now you don't have to take the bus cuz I can drive you around in the house. You'll love your room. It's in the microwave.

Don't get stabbed with crack cocaine.

August 10, 2009
Matthew is addicted to Magic Schoolbus. Did you know that there were some lost episodes? Well there were! I think they took them out of circulation for obvious reasons (no, Zack, not really, this is a joke)...

Episode 3: Gets Knifed in the Inner City
Episode 15: Gets High as a Kite on LSD
Episode 22: Joins a Cult
Episode 31: Lights Up Cuban Cigars
Episode 35: Makes a Stink from Eating Too Many Tacos
Episode 40: Goes Non-Kosher at Arnold's Grandmother's Seder
Episode 43: Takes a Bullet from Ms. Frizzles Mafia Boyfriend
Episode 48: Meets the Ghost of Elvis
Episode 56: Spaces Out and Gets Hit by a Car
Episode 64: Takes Steroids
Episode 67: Gets Stabbed with Crack Cocaine
Episode 71: Trains to be a Suicide Bomber
Episode 75: Develops a fear of Children and Runs the Class Over
Episode 81: Gets a Sexually Transmitted Disease


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Best Kraft Dinner EVER

Add 2 tsp. of Benadryl and serve to children of all ages.  It's my favorite meal of the day week.

POST KRAFT DINNER UPDATE: Seems the Benadryl has had the opposite effect tonight or maybe it was all that chocolate milk.

Matthew, 10:15pm...

Friday, October 15, 2010

It's making him more, uh, independent... ya, that's it, independent

When Zack was little he had dozens of dinosaur figurines. Michael was born playing hockey. Benji loved superheroes.... 
This is Matthew playing with dried peas... from 1999... all over the den floor. But he's happy. That's all that matters.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hockey Parent

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hockey Parent,
I'd like to ask you a huge favor for the coming season. Could you please just STFU and watch the game. What exactly is going through your head? Your kid already has a coach and he doesn't need the sound of your shrill annoying voice echoing through his growing brain as he tries to do his job on the ice. I mean really. Do you think that yelling SKAAAAAAAATE is going to make him skate harder or faster or better? Hello? All it does is make him think STFU YOU PSYCHOTIC! I'M SKATING AS FAST AS I CAN! DEAR GOD HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN MOVE OUT ALREADY? Do you think that there's a scout in the arena ready to pluck your son out of the crowd and send him to the NHL? What is wrong with you? Pay attention. Every time the rest of the adults on the bench cover their ears or roll their eyes or change seats to get far away from you that's a sign that you either have body odor or you're insane. Wake up and smell the Xanax. Put down the horn, step away from the whistle and get the message. Organized hockey is about having some fun, playing on a team, doing a little exercise and having a couple of hours a week away from you! Let. Him. Enjoy it... Let. ME. Enjoy it.

Mr. and Mrs. Hockey Parent, you have offended me to my core with every scream and every slur of the opposing team's children. You think Carey Price has a tough job? He earns $2.5 million and is coached by psychologists to get through the love/hate rollercoaster of the fans. That cartwheel you did on the eleventh goal tonight? It was in the face of a ten year old kid who already felt like he let down his team. Give your kid a thumbs up, take a sedative if you need to but leave your kid - and the rest of us - alone.

Warmest regards, a belated shana tova and I still hope you'll give to the CJA campaign when I call on Super Sunday,
#43's mother

PS And please don't sit next to me to brag about your other children's accomplishments on the ice or the ski hill or the classroom. Unless I ask, I'm not interested.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Time to get fit for the holidays

From the August 5 cave-in until they established contact with the surface 17 days later, the miners rationed themselves to two spoonfuls of tuna, half a cookie and a half-glass of milk every 48 hours. Once rescuers discovered the men with a narrow perforation drill, they began sending them hydration gel, soup and medication in narrow plastic tubes called "doves". Later doctors transitioned the men to a solid diet including meat and rice, with a strict 2,200 calorie diet to keep them slim enough to fit in the evacuation shaft only 61 centimetres in diametre.

That's the answer.  I need to be put into a caved-in mine for 69 days although I'm sure I'd be the only person in the history of caved-in mines to not lose any weight.

Are they trying to drive me insane?

My kids just got home from their 27th half day of the school year so far and hit me with their lastest marks.

Mikey: I got back my french compo and I got 4 3 2 3 4 2 4 1 4 4 5 2 3 1 4... on question 1. But it was the fourth best in the front half of the class even though she didn't correct all of the compos yet.

me: wha...? huh?

Mikey: Honest. She said that question 2 won't count on our final but only if we have three more subs before the end of the month and let's face it, it's Bialik. We'll have three subs by the end of the week!

me: But what was your mark?

Mikey: What do you mean? I told you. It's like an 84%.

me: But you have a bunch of 1's... you're not making any sense.

Mikey: I know but we can only get marks in increments of 17.5% so it was a 34% or a 76% so she gave a 84% because it was early dismissal and she was in a good mood because her niece is getting married to a doctor.

I'm starting to think that Mark Zuckerberg invented this 'Quebec only marking system' as a joke on Facebook. Kind of like poking only stupider.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I need to take a moment to brag

Grade 9 and 10 kids got 100% in math today..... Ok, so it was combined.  One got a 40% and one got a 60% but that's just a small technicality. Today my kids got 100%.

PreK is very tough these days

Monday, October 11, 2010

If I had a fifth kid I'd name him D'brickashaw

Matt: Daddy called me a brick of shit!!
Cleve: No! I called him Debrickashaw.... ok, fine, I called him a brick of shit. Let's have chocolate cookies Matt!!
Matt: Daddy
Cleve: Yes, D'brickashaw
Matt: My finger hurts
Cleve: I can't really help you unless your vagina hurts
Matt: I don't have a vagina
Cleve: Then go play

Today we start building the skating rink

This year I refused to build the rink alone.

7:00 I'm up and ready to work. Coffee first and wait for the kids to get up.
8:00 Still waiting
9:00 Still waiting
10:00 Still waiting
12:25 They just have to eat breakfast and watch the top ten TSN highlights 17 times before they can move


Mini Me (except I wear my pants higher)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I have no words

Dessert anyone?
Apparently the 4 year old enjoys the bottom half of the grape. Nice of him to leave the rest for someone else. I have very considerate children.

On another note I think the sound of Sunday football may actually cause me to have seizures. Not that anyone would notice or, you know, call 911 or stop eating pizza in the den on my couch or look away from their fantasy football stats long enough to notice but I don't think I'm going to survive the season.

Fourth child

Look how cute... are you practicing your alphabet?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

My dream license plate
Pre-K drop off update:

Matt (as he is being ripped from my leg): I'll miss you!
Me: I'll miss you too, now go
Matt: Just one minute, ok?
Me: Ok, two minutes
Me: One minute, I know, one, I'm waving... now b'bye
Matt: I love your face!
Me: I love your face too
Matt: Do you love your face?
Me: I could use a little Botox to be completely honest
Me: Ok, Ok, I love my face...

Clearly he is concerned for my self esteem as he watches all of these anorexic moms come and go. My children are highly intuitive.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Yesterday I yelled until I peed

4 year old: Do I have school tomorrow?
me: yes
4 year old: fuuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkk!
me: excuse me?
4 year old: I mean craaaaaaaappppppp!
me: pardon?
4 year old: shit?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Why so many Rabbis visit the same shivas

New clinic is moving right along

Dr. Zurg Ziegler
Not crazy Cyclops Obstetrician Gynecologist

"It won't be long Mrs. Schwartz. I can see from the kosher section at IGA that you're 9 1/2 cm dilated. I'll be there as soon as the BBQ chicken is out of the oven.  I think I'll cancel that gefilte fish order though."

Saturday, October 2, 2010

UFO Cavendish Mall project in the works

Dr. Cleve Ziegler
Not crazy Obstetrician Gynecologist
Rabbi Alien Chaim Xenomorphberg

I just had a crazy thought... well maybe crazy isn't the best word given the whole UFO incident

If the 4 year old does in fact have OCD would it be so wrong to teach him rituals like clean the kitchen or tidy up the den and then not get him treatment?