Friday, December 24, 2010

Andrei the giant and Pepper Gomez are back - Montreal 3, Carolina 2

Andrei the Giant pictures just never get old

On second thought a little less Partridge, a little more Griswold

Matthew's suitcase
Who needs pants when you have a flashlight, a Christmas card, two cap guns and an apricot? It's like the unabomber's dream valise.

I'm thinking we're a little less puffy shirt/picking up rock and roll radio stations on someone's braces/spontaneously breaking out into song/canned laughter and a lot more cousin Eddie/I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE 4, BOY! I SAID HOLD IT IN! THE NEXT GAS STATION IS ONLY 85 MILES AWAY!

The Ziegwolds are goin' to Florida

Thursday, December 23, 2010

We're taking a road trip!

Here we are getting ready to hit the road. Lots of work to be done! Hey Matt! Get to work on painting that carburetor!
Hey one of you underage kids, take over the wheel while I climb onto the hood and snap some pictures of us having fun!
Those kids are such jokesters. We stop for UFO's AND pregnant hitchhikers in labour!
My god these costumes are itchy! But we're ha-ha-ha-ppy! This is gonna be the best vacation ever!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Kinetic energy = 1/2 mass x velocity2

Tomorrow the boys have their science exams. 

The Kinetic energy of an object is the energy which it possesses due to its motion. It is defined as the work needed to accelerate a body of given mass from rest to its stated velocity. Having gained this energy during its acceleration, the body maintains this kinetic energy unless its speed changes. The same amount of work is done by the body in decelerating from its current speed to a state of rest. In other words SHOOT THE FRIGGIN' PUCK!!!!!
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I suppose it's better than studying inertia. 

Friday, December 17, 2010

One down, five to go

Hellooooo gastro!

Exams start on Monday and we're driving to Florida on Sunday. My first thought this morning was do I have everyone hug today so that it's over by Monday? Or do I keep everyone in separate rooms for the entire week in the hopes that it won't spread at all? And if I'm lucky and it doesn't spread during exams will it catch up to us in the car where we will be sitting as closely as any six people could possibly sit... for two straight days???

Of course if we do make it through exams the bigger question remains, is it illegal to have an open bottle of alcohol in a moving vehicle if that alcohol is in the roof rack.... and I'm holding the bottle?

It's very tough for a mother to see her children sick. It's even tougher to comfort and love them without actually touching them. Nothing says challenge like showing affection and support for one's child as he vomits... from another room. What can I say, I really don't want the stomach flu. If I go down I leave exam week in the hands of Cleve who's response to Zack missing an in class test today was give him a gravol and send him to school. Just brilliant on so many levels. Ok sure I did say the words if you're going to throw up can you please not get any on the sofa but have you ever tried to get throw up out of corduroy? At least I didn't consider sending anyone off to fall asleep or dry heave in the middle of an English test.

Today I have to balance a four year old with 102 fever, a dislike of Tylenol and the need to ask me how to spell every word known to man in the english language AND a 16 year old in the throws of the stomach flu, the remnants of a migraine and a depression over the loss of his cell phone. The hardest part for me, however, will be listening to TSN's top ten highlights over and over and over again and watching Toopee and Binoo, the cartoon that I imagine is most similar to taking LSD. In today's episode Toopee dreams that he is riding a meatball.

CLINIC UPDATE: Gastro has decided to hit every three days which puts the next one at Thursday and the fourth one on Sunday. That is the day we are driving to Florida. After that you will be redirected to WomanOutOnBail.com.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

How about something completely different

Mmmmmmm, spicy smelt
Do you think that the smelts are pissed that they got the worst name in the entire fish kingdom?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

How's that studying going boys?


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AWESOME!... Ohhhh, you wanted us to study for exams?

I have a new idea for a drinking game. A shot every time I hear the words just five more minutes and then I'm going I swear. I should have alcohol poisoning by dinner.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

45 going on 12

Last night I attended my first city council meeting. It was held at the English Montreal School Board to discuss the potential opening of a new public high school. The council of about 50 elected officials sat behind glass and unbeknownst to us had to deal with the problem of french immersion vs. bilingual school programs before they could get to the topic of the new high school (we live in a fascist state). I consider myself to be a relatively bright person. I did not understand a single word that was said.

The first speaker used the word jurisprudence twice in his opening statement and then there was a vote to remove the fifth where as from the minutes, replacing it with the word some.

Needless to say I was with a group of bright, strong, astute women who wanted nothing more than to find out about the future of our community. We did what any good citizens would do in that situation..... we laughed for two hours straight until we voted to remove ourselves from the building replacing open mindedness with sticking with private school in the fall. Well done politicians.

I was greeted at the basement door at 10:15pm by Matthew in his clothes from the day, chocolate on his face and a big grin. The house was in shambles and - here's a new one - I found the top of a pineapple on the coffee table. When I asked why it was there I was told daddy let Matthew cut it up but don't worry I took the knife away from him. To be honest I was actually relieved that I didn't come home to a remote control helicopter stuck in the ceiling.... or someone's neck.

As long as he had fun... and no one lost an eye
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Christmas spirit or message from god? Either way I think Rudolph wants my kids in private school

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

What does it say about me if I enjoy mammograms and colonoscopies because frankly they're alone time

Those nipple stickers are better than Krazy Glue!
So I had to wear a gown that only closes on one side, at no point did anyone in the waiting room ask me when I can take them for new shoes or sharpen their skates.

Sure the machine is kept in the freezer between patients but I didn't have to threaten to wash the technicians mouth with soap for calling her batteryless remote control helicopter a fucking piece of shit bastard.

Yes, the elevator at the Royal Victoria Hospital smells like moth balls but, hey, no one in that elevator confessed to having detention or getting 63% in a Yiddish exam because who cares about Yiddish.

And ok, they could replace the guy with the hard hat in the Krazy Glue commercial with that nipple sticker they need for identification but it's only a layer of skin. No one asked me to make them a grilled cheese sandwich because they couldn't find the cheese.... or the fridge.... or the kitchen.

Post snow storm traffic was more painful than the mammogram itself. I even considered getting out of my car, taking off my top and recruiting a taxi driver to run over my chest instead of making my way up to the hospital. I figured it would've felt the same although the results probably would've varied depending on the ethnicity of the taxi driver. Glad I stuck it out and had some me time at the amazing Breast Clinic. All's well and now I can look forward to my colonoscopy next month!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hmmm, let's see... what should we get the four year old for Chanukah?

How about a remote control helicopter? That's a great idea... NOT. But try telling that to the father of the four year old who handed the gift over at 9:30 at night. Since then I have been asked the following questions (in no particular order):

Where are the batteries?
Can I put the batteries in?
Can YOU put the batteries in?
Can I fly the helicopter in the house?
Can I fly the helicopter in winter?
Is it summer yet?
How bout now?
What about now?
Does it snow in summer?
WHERE ARE THE FUCKING BATTERIES?????
Why can't I fly the helicopter in the shower?
Why can't I take my helicopter to school?
Can I fly my helicopter TO school?
Do I have to go to school or can I stay home to fly my helicopter?
Why can't I sleep with my helicopter?
When can I fly my helicopter?

A helicopter. A flying, metal blade, remote control helicopter. Only four months until the snow melts so we can take it outside and risk decapitating a helpless bird or squirrel.

CO-PARENT UPDATE: Cleve just got home, handed Matthew a pre-dinner chocolate donut and asked me why can't he fly his helicopter in the house?
Helicopters can be so cuddly

Monday, December 6, 2010

But there's nothing to eat in the house!

Two words: buzz off
Dear kids,
I hope all is well at home. I am writing from the frozen aisle at IGA Cavendish (aka Gaza) as I wait to make a break for the check out line. The place is filled with people trying to get home for shabbat. I fear that I will never be the same after today. Bodies are everywhere and the site of two ladies fighting over a chalah in the kosher aisle has left me drained. That damn clock change has caused havoc in the neighborhood. Don't the farmers realize how hard it is to prepare dinner for 20 at 2 o'clock in the afternoon??!!

If I don't make it out please remember that I did this all for you. I have to go now as I see your math teacher trying to pass 47 items at the 10 items or less cash and I can't take any more pain today.

Wish your father was here instead of me,
Mom

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Chanukah is the most beautiful time of the year

Matt's Magic Schoolbus Chanukah present
Benji: Matthew, you can't take your schoolbus to school. It'll break.
Matt: It's not a schoolbus! It's a fucking channukiah!

I'm so proud.

Note to self: cancel all play dates for Matt through 2012