Monday, January 31, 2011

The peace keepers need to get out of Egypt and over to my house

On a positive note, his hebrew is really coming along!

Friday, January 28, 2011

I nominate Mr. Clean for the Nobel Peace Prize

Desk by Ikea, Sharpie graffiti art by Matthew
The Magic Eraser is the greatest invention of all time. How can something take permanent marker off of painted walls without removing the paint... or the wall itself? I bet Mr. Clean could solve world peace if he really put his mind to it. He's already saved the life a four year old kid that lives at my house.

Truck! It says truck!
I hot sauced his mouth last week and there hasn't been any swearing since.
Cleve is next.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Too many men sure does have a nice ring to it.... off the ice - Flyers 5, Habs 2

Rational Expressions

Text message from Zack:
If you speak to the tutor tell him I need to go over rational expressions

Finally, they're learning something at school that I can wrap my head around! 

There. I just saved myself $60.

Monday, January 24, 2011

A day at the Montreal Children's emergency

Yesterday Benji and I spent the better part of the day at The Montreal Children's Hospital emergency waiting for an x-ray on his injured foot. While we were worried about the results, we were also somewhat relieved. With a sprained foot from hockey, Benji's previous trip to the emergency might finally be forgotten.

You see the last time Benji visited the hospital emergency it was for a concussion sustained while (mandatory in-school) folk dancing. He banged his knee in mid cross step, fainted from the pain and smashed his head on the way down. The real trauma came, however, when we found out that it was Head Trauma Awareness Week and that some Montreal Canadiens might be in the ER during our stay. All I could picture was a someone coming by to say hi....

Chris Higgins: Hey, little boy, how'd ya hurt your head? skiing? tobogganing? I love tobogganing but it can be dangerous.... hockey? sky diving? bungee jumping? helloo?
Benji: uh, no, folk dancing (vomit)

So even though basketball and hockey seasons have been temporarily put on hold, it's one small sprained foot for Benji, one GIANT injury for Zack and Mikey who no longer have to hang their heads in shame.

I don't know why I find concussion-from-folk-dancing photos funny... You can't tell but Benji is laughing on the inside 
The actual Head Trauma Awareness Campaign had Chris Higgins as their spokesman
He was traded before the poster even came out which put an end to my kids modelling careers
X-RAY UPDATE: There is a fracture which will keep Benji out of basketball and hockey but not out of making his bed or cleaning the kitchen.

I bet THIS captain would've had a video montage to celebrate his return

2008 Montreal Canadiens
seated centre, heart and soul of the team french speaking Captain Patrice Brisebois

Friday, January 21, 2011

Cammalleri AND Halpern out of the lineup, oy gevalt

With Cammalleri AND Halpern out tonight who will make kiddish before the game? That Subban kid is something else but he's no Sammy Davis Jr.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

He'll be more independent in the long run right? RIGHT???

Eight words that when put into a sentence should be banned from the English language; Mommy, can you help me with my homework. Today Matthew came home from PreK with a project. Oy.

When Zack started school I was very enthusiastic and we spent lots of time together working on projects. He was artistic and I had tons of energy to paint with chocolate pudding or build Noah's arc out of homemade paper or papier mâché an emu just because it was fun.

14 years later I'm much less enthusiastic. I guess if sometime in the last 10 years Zack had once said something like I have math homework tonight. My friends are completely lost and confused but since you and I did so many projects together when I was little I totally have things under control! Those hours made a huge difference in my life! Thanks Mom! I'd probably be more inclined to keep up with the home schooling.

I was so enthusiastic in 2000 that this picture doesn't even need a caption.
We grew this tree from a tiny seed and watered it every day.
Hello little tree, we love you.
Here Zack and Mikey get ready to eat the veggies we grew in our garden.
This project took 3 months of tender loving care.
Yum yum yum! Let's have a salad party to celebrate our success!

How else could we explain the food chart?
Here Benji poses with protein.
Look how excited he was! Learning is fun!

Matt's bat project
Do bats hibernate? He said they do so I went with it.
I've decided that I'm saving up to enroll Matthew in the after school homework programs from now until university.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bring it on, PK

I like a little entertainment with my $200 ticket and $10 Diet Coke, thank you - Habs 5, Flames 4 (OT)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The tin man gets a pacemaker - Habs 3, Rangers 2

Lets hope the backup battery isn't faulty and AK46 makes it through the season with that heart

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Now I know why I pay $3,000 to rent a PC from Bialik High School

Me: It must've fallen out at the dentist

20 minutes later...
Mikey: Good news and bad news. Good news is I found it in the parking lot, the bad news is it was run over and it's completely smashed
Zack: Don't worry it's under warranty
I explain to my children what warranty covers
Zack: You're wrong. I could take a shoe and smash the screen and Bialik would have to fix it
My head nearly explodes trying to explain to my delirious children what VOIDED warranty means

The next day Mikey took the computer to school and sent me this text from the computer office...

Now the math makes sense. $500 PC + teenager insurance = $3,000. 

Just as an aside, the dentist gave my kids 100% in their oral exams which I will be using to up their averages when their report cards come out (translated into Quebec Ministry speak thats 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5 on central incisor one, 5, 5, 5, 5, 4.5, 5, 5, 5 on the second molar on the left.....).

Friday, January 14, 2011

Time to wake up

Andrei Kostitsyn, part-time hockey player, part-time somebody's poster child

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I think we need an intervention

Me: you'll get your truck back tomorrow if you stop swearing
Matthew: if you give me back my truck TODAY I'll stop fucking swearing, I promise!
long pause
Matt: (sweet voice) Mommy...
Me: (equally sweet voice waiting for the I-can't-resist-that-face apology) Yes, Matt...
Matt: Can you kill someone with a highlighter?

I'm going to hope that the question came from my telling him that highlighters were dangerous markers and not because he was planning some kind of highlighter hostage thingy at school... ONE STEP AND SHE GETS NEON YELLOW ALL OVER HER JUICY SWEATSHIRT THAT SHE SHOULDN'T EVEN OWN IN THE FIRST PLACE BUT ESPECIALLY NOT WEAR TO SCHOOL!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

And the oscar goes to....

Jaro and Sissy Spacek for their portrayal of a young, agile 23 year old defenseman and his lovely Czech wife, Verushka.
Habs 2, Rangers 1
"Loved her in Carrie, him on Carey"
                           - Mike Boone, Montreal Gazette

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Florida is not just for old Jews

Apparently driving to Florida is like childbirth. It's painful and you can't believe what you're going through but as soon as it's over you're ready to do it again. I'm pretty sure that the lack of oxygen in the car due to my usual overpacking is what kept the kids quiet but whatever it was it worked.

Our family vacation was great. We spent 10 days in a two bedroom apartment on the beach with lots of sunshine, no wifi and very little blood shed.  

Instead of lecturing or yelling I decided to leave a memo on the front door...
...apparently it's as ineffective as lecturing or yelling
At least it was Bud light
This is ONE piece of chocolate cake which I took home, froze and will be using as Benji's Bar Mitzvah cake
The medium gulp is still bigger than all of our bladders put together... maybe not the best choice for a 27 hour drive
I wanted to end world hunger by donating this beverage but Matthew wouldn't let me break up his kiddie meal
The drive was smooth sailing except for the car trying to occasionally eat Matthew
Note to fathers: WASHABLE means that it comes off of skin, shiny surfaces and some clothing but NOT sofa fabric, especially rented sofa fabric
Old Jewish man GPS was so much more entertaining than stern lady GPS

To sum it up the trip was - as Matthew put it - excellent. Here he is on our way down showing off his Dora the Explorer Spanish over and over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND FOR LIKE TWO STRAIGHT HOURS OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Wiz, part II

Now that we have the Wiz, maybe he can give Martin a brain to think outside the system, Andrei a heart like he had earlier in the season and PK some courage to play the way he did before he got benched
Thanks for the inspiration, Danno