I'm starting to think that the pregnancy brain cells I lost never came back

The latest marks from Bialik High School: 1.5, 4.5, 5.5, 5, 1.5, 5, 4.5, 5. I want to be proud. Really, I do. I also want to take an Advil and get in touch with a math translator. Is this for real or have the kids taken over the ministry of education?

Me: Uh.... that sounds good.... is it good?
Zack: Ya, it's good! MERKED!! And on competency 3 I got a 5!
Me: What is competency 3?
Zack: It's the language of the course
Me: What does that mean?
Zack: It means I can talk science
Me: Great, because you can't talk English... what is a competency 2?
Zack: Like doing the questions right
Me: So where's competency 1? 
Zack: There is no competency 1
Me: So it's like Spinal Tap? Unlike standard counting which typically starts at one, Quebec starts at two so as to seem.... uh... smarter? These go to three?
Zack: Uh... I don't know? Good news is that we had gym today for the third time this year, though. We played Vodjkee.
Me: You played what? 
Zack: Vodjkee. It's a Bialik made up game that if we tried to figure out the rules it would take five years according to our gym teacher
Me: Are you just  messing with my head?
Zack: Siiiiiiiickkkkkkkkk

On the other side of the maturity scale Matthew wanted to sleep with his pet pineapple last night. I'm not sure which is funnier.