All because of that damn apple

I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children.  Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.  - Genesis 3:16

On my wedding day a close friend offered congratulations to my parents, "don't think of it as losing a daughter, think of it as gaining a gynecologist".  Last night that gynecologist brought home some reading material from the office. Understanding the Menopause Transition. 

Menopause is a natural transition in a woman's life, she is no longer able to naturally conceive and her menstrual cycle stops. This time leading up to menopause is called perimenopause, and this can last from five to eight years. 

FIVE TO EIGHT YEARS???!!! That's it? I go from making lunches to night sweats? Where's the warning signal so I could take a cruise or a week at an all inclusive in between? 

What are the symptoms? Most women experience the physical and emotional changes of perimenopause in their mid-40's or early 50's, though symptoms can occur earlier or later.  

I took this to mean that women can suffer anywhere from the minute they get their period until death.  It certainly would explain why I've been so cranky for the last 30 years. 

A clear sign that menopause is approaching is when a woman experiences hot flashes; feelings of intense heat in the head and upper body. Other symptoms can include the following: night sweats, insomnia, fatigue, vaginal dryness, decreased sex drive, anxiety attacks, depression, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, mood changes, dizziness, nausea, loss of bladder control.

The next time Cleve asks me "what did you DO all day??" I plan to use the symptom list to remind him of the morning prayer Blessed are you, Hashem, King of the Universe, for not having made me a woman... before I stab him (and get away with it). All I can hope for now is that memory loss tops my list of symptoms so that I can forget why I'm so hot and cranky and fatigued and depressed and covered in pee all of the time. 

Looking back at my wedding day, I think I would've preferred if my parents had not lost a daughter but gained a plastic surgeon who brought home less reading material and more liposuction.